i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
