you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
