All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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