there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize