I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
