he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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