boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
