If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
