I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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