I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
