Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
