Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
