You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
