Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
