So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
