i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
