i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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