Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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