She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize