we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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