I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
