So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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