evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
