We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize