the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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