My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
