I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
