he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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