Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
His hands were made for my vagina.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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