I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
