I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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