Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
