gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
