Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
