Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize