I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
