Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
