between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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