yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
