drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
