Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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