I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
