i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize