if i can run in heels then i can drive
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
