In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
