One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
