u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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