He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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