We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
