How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
