i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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