im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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