I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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