I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
