I look better un-naked...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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